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Terminator 3

July.08.2003


 

Terminator 3
Spoiler Warning
 I was 14 years old when I saw the original Terminator. I didn't know much about Arnold at the time, not much was out in the theatres yet and I hadn't seen Conan the Barbarian. So around 1985 in a small town in Northern Alberta Canada, the great Harry Vander Klok plunked in a VHS tape labelled "The Terminator" Harry Vander Klok or as he's known in some circles as "Dad", had NO idea what he was about to see. All he knew was this guy was one motherfragger of a big dude and that this movie was about to change his life, his religion and his point of view on everything from Gay rights to a persons right to suicide.... actually ya know what? I'm building up  this movie like it was earth shattering and amazing. The reality actually is it's not THAT great. Actually, the movie is sub par at best. You know how they say Tina Turner "Looks good for her age"?. But what we really mean is "Wow she's old I can't believe she can walk let alone sing". It's more of a sympathy thing. Her husband used to beat her like a muppet and yeah that's terrible, but she overcame the odds and she made a comeback. On her own. bigtime wow. She did it and everyone was proud of her. cept for maybe Ike. Bugger Ike. Well the original Terminator is like that. It was the first movie of it's kind, it was the little film that could. Simply put it was a cult classic, or at least for the most part. A better way to put it, it had potential. It put James Cameron on the map. Too bad the map ended 7 years ago with Titanic. Some movies are good the first time, like Highlander. A small little romantic movie with a good feel. It needed to be low budget. It had Sean Connery in it. "What more could you ashk for, he'sh a legend and fantashtic" [said in Seanese] They went and buggered it all to hell with the sequels. "Oh we're not immortals anymore, now we're from FREAKING SPACE" wtf?!?!?!
Yeah now that I think about it, Terminator wasn't that great. The sequel was the one with the goods. About a year ago, me and the two lees, Lee Ingram and Lee Malo pitched in the DVD of said movie. We had ordered 120 wings and two pizzas. We had just watched Team Canada win the Gold and by god, we were men with chicken wings and no napkins, no wemens in the house and in our greasy little hands.... a man movie. I think we got 20 minutes into it before we removed it from the DVD player in favor of Mortal Kombat.

Having said that, I'll say this... to a 14 year old Clint Vander Klok, Arnold was one ass kicking cybermonkey. In my humble opinion is probably the best scene in the Terminator movies... Swartzenhammer walks into a police station, asks if Sarah Conner is there. He was told to grab some wood and wait, it'll be awhile before she's released. So Mr big with his 80's sunglasses and bad lid eyes up the front desk, leans in and says "I'll be bock". This made 14 year old Clint giggle and squirm with lewd anticipation. Then of course he drives into the police station IN A CAR. OH MY GOD [bah I was 14] busting through the main wall, getting out with AK47 in hand where he calmly opens up a can of whoop ass. He starts busting some mad caps in some donut eatin police ass. I don't condone killing police officers but this was the movies, and this was the 80's. The decade of excess and INXS. Arnie was SICK and TIRED of being hassled by the man people!!!. Anyway, I fell in love with the Swartzenheimer. The 80's was the year of the Schwarzenburger. I hope he saved some cash though. I'd hate to see Arnold having to borrow a few bucks for ammunition. But the 80's was the decade of the Schwartz...I mean it really was. Just take a look at his movies, all of them cheesy action movies... movies for men..

That's some good shiznit kids. THE SHIZNIT. Anyway... Last night, me and the crew went to watch a little Termin hater. Lee Malo and his girl Kelly Ingram, Lee Ingram sans wife Elizabeth, who was sick with the flu but she's better now, so don't worry. Although tomorrow she's getting a pixie haircut, but that's a different story. Who else went you ask? Well our sister Cindy. I was also sans my hot chicken and petite little bon bon Melissa, but hey... sometimes you just gotta save the price of a movie ticket and tell your girlfriend that you decided not to go out tonight. instead I maybe wanted to stay home and catch up on some reading. I need some "me time". Although now that I reflect on that... most people probably aren't in my unique situation. Meaning they don't have a website where you just confessed to going out when you said you were laying low... heh, i'm just serious. She actually ditched me people... yup... damned woman... damned cute, intelligent, hot, cool sexy woman.
     MY GIRL


Ok so is this a fricken movie review or WHAT!!!!

Terminator 3
Take two
We went to the silver screen last night expecting to see 1 ton synthetic life forms beating the shit out of each other. We got that.
We went expecting to see cheesy  Schwarzeneggerisms such as "I'll be back" and "Come with me if you want to live". We got that.
We went expecting to see sub par acting... we got that.
Some of us went to see Arnold time travel only to arrive naked and walk bare assed into a biker bar... We got that too.
The other half of us wanted to see a certain unknown but definitely cute naked Female Terminatrix time travel only to arrive naked and maybe see some bum. Welp.. we DIDN'T get that. Hollywood can't show nudity you see. It can adversely effect people. Blow someone's face clean off their body with a gun? Hell yeah sure that's fine. But god forbid we show a nipple. Those nipples are dangerous... They can take out an eye. We don't want our youth to get the wrong idea. Violence is good, nudity bad. Showing the beauty that god gave us is disgusting... kill everything. Bah don't get me started.
 [I am the voice inside your head and I control you]

 Getting back to my review... this is a Terminator movie. It doesn't aim too high. It's a spoon fed action movie, and it delivers. I will say this tho. It's done very well. It's not a James Cameron movie, you get that feel. It doesn't have the score that the other movies had. That was a bit of a let down. The drum heavy theme they play when a half chewed up metal and flesh face punches through a pile of rubble to stand triumphantly scanning the horizon with one glowing red eye and a pissed off look before crunching down some concrete hanger into battle one last time. Let me quickly explain something about the plot. A cybernetic organism [Terminator] is sent back in time to TERMINATE John Conner [Nick Stahl]. Skynet, the big bad voodoo daddy that is responsible for the almost total annihilation of mankind is 3 hours away from going online. It's created by Kate Brewster's [Claire Danes] father Robert Brewster. What these crazy kids and their android don't know, is that in less than 3 hours Judgement Day is going to become very real. A virus seems to be affecting all of Americas military defense systems. An easy fix to that is to put the Skynet software online. Of course we know from the  previous movies that when Skynet goes online, it becomes "Self Aware" and it will then decide to wipe out mankind. I had an ex girlfriend become self aware and start thinking for herself. This is bad folks. It ultimately lead to her threatening to leave me. Luckily it was in passing and it wore off. She forgot, and I got a little something something for my effort that fine evening. wink wink nudge nudge. I wont lie, it was a close one though. The funny part of course was when we were going out to the Old Spaghetti Factory for dinner that night, and as we walked out the front door she saw her suitcase packed. When confronted I reminded her of our camping trip. A puzzled look flashed across her face but I reminded her that our cab was waiting downstairs and off we went. I dodged that bullet.

Anyway speaking of ex girlfriends, giant killer robots with no regard for human life will make short work of humans if skynet goes live so our team of misfits and their dog Lassie have to stop this from happening. A couple of crazy kids and their Man killing cybernetic organism embark on a soul searching journey into their hearts and minds. Of course they fail miserably and everyone dies... and I'm not kidding. EVERYONE FREAKING DIES. Full out global thermal nuclear war. Oh well...Skipping the live fantastic sans flux capacitor to kill the leader of the resistance. One of the best scenes in the movie, is when these two terminators go at it in the bathroom. I mean they REALLY go nuts. Smashing each other into walls, through walls, into urinals. Arnie clocks the "Bad" man killing terminator with a giant piece of porcelain. All this to protect John Conner the future leader of the resistance. The same one that leads humanity to victory in the future. To win against the machines. To rise up, accept the challenge, throw your arms into the air and scream YAUGHTZEE. Ok I said all that to get to Claire Danes.

 Claire Danes....Claire freaking Danes. Where do I even START??
Who's the juggling ass clown who picked the love interest and co star for this movie? Claire Danes?? Again.... ug. She looks like two poodles fighting for a Frisbee under a blanket. I can't be sure what that means since I JUST made it up, but it sounds bad don't you think?  Did the casting director even look at this Frankenstein of a girl? She's pointless to the movie, and meaningless to the plot. All she does is cry and wine and moan. And WHY would John Conner pick here for his wife? She must make some mean chili or... well... you know.

Ok for a golden HA HA  let's play pretend. Ready? Put on your pretend hat and go to your happy place. Let's pretend you're John Conner. You are SO important the your future self sent a 1 ton robot to protect you from the upcoming Armageddon. You are the person that Arnie is protecting because in this movie you will become THE leader of the world. [and I would imagine that Chickens like Leaders of the world] He gets humankind together to rise up and fight the machines and win. Ok so we've established that if you were John Conner... then you'd be very important in the scheme of things right? You bet.... ok so let's say you're the most important guy around. You got your mac on... don't hate the player, hate the game. You're strutting around like a peacock with three legs... You pretty much have your pick of chickens after the big bad nuclear war. I'm not sure what the odds are or what percentage of people will survive the freeze dry nuclear sunbath [Look ma no plans] but for the love of Pete... There is GOING to be someone other than Claire Danes out there. Again, for the sake of "heh heh" let's compare apples and Beckingsales here. Ooooh speaking of  Kate Beckingsale, let's use her as an example. Kate probably survived the nuclear blast. She's a movie star and in times of trouble I think they are escorted to the stomach of a giant military installation where they are given grapes and cans of soda pop while they ride out the shitstorm. So when it comes down to it. John can choose either Claire "maneater" Danes. Or he can go with Kate "purdy lips" Beckingsale". So John Conners picks inflate 'a head as his wife? Yeah no. Sorry I can't follow a leader who's choice in woman is worse than that of a blind man. I bet Claire even smells bad. Yeah I believe robots come from the future to fight humankind, I believe that time travel is possible, heck I even believe there are giant cybernetic organisms that can punch through brick wall... but I DON'T believe that John picked Claire over.. well.. anything!.
 ya know what Arnold? Put a pillow over Johns face while he's sleeping and pick me as the leader. I'll hook you up with the pleasure bots from Austin Powers. Deal?
 

Oops I got off on a slight rant there.
. Anyway, the purpose of this is to review the movie. Right now I have a severe case of the head bobs so I'm going to sack the hit, and get some sleep... I'll finish this review later. Actually bugger it, she's as done as it can be. If you read this far into the article... kudos, I love you.
Terminator 3 is a great movie and i recommend it....
 

Later
Clint "Sevy" Vander Klok


No Claire Danes were hurt physically in the writing of this review





  

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